The Hancock-Henderson Quill, Inc.

Making The Tough Decisions

by Dessa Rodeffer, Publisher/Owner

24 July 2002

My father-in-law died at 11:10 p.m. Thursday night - at the same time my son Matt and husband Mike were getting ready to leave Hornell, New York to come home. Every breath that Bud took was a struggle for him and when he was revived a little, he would ask - "Where is Mike?"

All the children were accounted for but Mike. Mike would not come until after Matt's game Thursday when he pitched for his collegiate team who was nearing a division championship. Mike did not want to upset Matt and he didn't want to go home without him, nor did he want Matt to drive home by himself, so he made the decision to wait until the game was over to tell Matt about his grandpa's critical condition.

It was after Matt pitched a great game for his team - the second game of a double-header and after an hour rain delay that Mike told Matt and the coaches about his grandpa in critical condition and of their need to leave right away.

At the instant they were almost ready to leave New York, Matt's Grandpa died. I think it was God's timing.... I think it is okay, although I cried for Mike & Matt knowing they had a long 12-14 hour drive home and they didn't get to say their goodbyes to their beloved Dad and Granddad.

At the time, some family members questioned Michael's decision. His mother felt he was doing what he must do for Matt.

Isn't it something, when we take over each other's lives and decide for them what they should do with it?

We all do it at times, and I am ashamed for the times I have. One thing about Grandpa, through all of our mistakes - and we've made a plenty - he didn't try to tell us what we should or should not do with our lives - he just said it wasn't any of his business and accepted us.

I use to think it was an uncaring remark - but I have come to admire that quality of Bud - not being meddlesome. You know God is like that.

He says what we should do and what we should not do, but he doesn't meddle. And his love and grace is always there for us as he waits for us to come home. But he also gave to each individual special talents and gifts and a mind to make decisions with.

We all have different paths we must take.

For Bob - he was always there for his parents. Someone to visit with that would take time for you and listen. You could count on it:

For Donna - it was the nursing skills, the answers to the tough questions, the invitation over for those meals and family get togethers:

For Terry it was frequent visits and taking turns with Donna, Bob and sometimes Mike to drive his parents each Friday to Hotel Nauvoo for that delicious buffet meal:

For Joyce who lived away, it was her constant phone contacts and the big get-togethers whenever she was home, and her warm hospitality whenever grandpa and grandma came to Florida to visit.

But for Mike, he is not good with words, nursing skills, or even food. He is the middle child, squeezed in a tight place during hard times after his dad lost his arm. He was not young enough to be babied or old enough to be a leader, and he was often taken off the premises by two aunts who wanted to help out the family during hard times.

He is good with his hands and with numbers, he is light-hearted, focused on what lies before him, undistracted by feelings, but his sensitivity lies near the surface. His love for sports and his competitive spirit is a God given quality. His commitment to the family is very vivid in my mind. Holidays - coming home from college to help his dad on the farm, selling the farm when his dad wanted to retire in order not to cause any hard feelings between he and his dad.

His love and respect for his dad showed because he did the hard thing all those years knowing Bud's gruffness and strict way of raising them was also his hidden way of saying - I love you too much to let you have a motorcycle or to be on the combine too soon.

Each of us has been formed by God and weathered by different circumstances.

I know that God does not have to walk in the shoes of each of us to know our pain. He doesn't compare his children and say look at these good ones who are doing everything right and this one is off doing his own thing. The prodigal son - is a good story how he waits for us to come to Him and he accepts us with open arms.

I am not saying Michael is a prodigal, but I feel God sees the good he was trying to do for Matt out of his love for him. He wanted to be by his dad's bedside, but he knew his dad was in the best of hands.

God, who sees the big picture, does not fault him for the tough decision he made to wait and bring Matt home, with his heart on the line for both his father and his son.

I am just saying God's arms are open for all of us who come - no matter the path we take to His gate.

Grandpa is now in a perfect world. May his accepting spirit for each family member be our inheritance. I am humbled to be accepted as part of this loving family who with outstretched arms, have each welcomed Michael home.